Category Archives: Miss J

Posts written by Miss J

Curiosity and a Ping Pong Show

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Curiosity and a Ping Pong Show

I have always been the type of person that thinks, ‘Oh, I wonder how this works?’.  This of course has its pros and cons.  As the famous or infamous saying goes (depending on which way you look at it), ‘Curiosity killed the cat’.  Or did it?  I always find that yes, I end up arse over tit, falling down a flight of steps as I’m far too busy wondering what an earth is unfolding beneath my eyes to notice I’m about to face plant the sodding floor.  I think we’re all a bit curious, but some more than others I guess.  This for me is something that goes hand in hand with culture and places.  What better arena to discover the utterly unimaginable?

Sometimes your experiences can be magical, yet other times you walk away wiser, realising that you pretended that it was the most normal thing in the world and are kind of glad you did it.  But by gosh are you not doing it again.  One of those experiences was being in a shower with a nice Welsh gentleman: oblivious I suddenly feel a warm sensation on my leg.  Yes, he was peeing on me.  Deliberately, almost like a naughty child. Without encouragement or any type of discussion that this was about to occur.  Ummm.. yes, strange.

Any way I somewhat digress.  The curious amongst us have definitely heard of the Seven Wonders of the World and are aware of what makes China China and France France.  So when we visit these places, we would quite like a taste of what their cuisine has to offer, whether it be unusual food or different customs and traditions.  This can be as diverse as the magic of the Inca trails right down to gawking at stunning prostitutes in a glass container on the red light district.  Let’s face it, curiosity doesn’t abide by ‘this is a beautiful, respectful activity‘ rules.  It delves much further beyond that as what makes us curious is often that which we wouldn’t want our parents knowing we did.

So, Thailand.  There is much mention of this beautiful yet contradictory country.  If you haven’t guessed already, this, at the moment is our chosen arena.  A country where there is lots to do and see and much culture to soak up, take in and enjoy.  Stray away from tourist central and you will meet a land which resembles nothing of your western culture.  The flip side of this is the sex industry.  There are many views and strong opinions regarding this both from visitors, travellers, expats, locals and those that just fancy having an opinion on it.  We won’t indulge too much in those as this blog would very quickly become a thesis.  Plus, I’m sure you can all guess what those opinions, good and bad are.  The sex industry in Thailand offers prostitution, lady boys and ping-pong shows if we’re talking basics.  As a woman prostitution does not intrigue me and I have no desire to explore that chapter of Thailand. Lady boys fascinate me and I love their cabaret type personalities . They tend to be confident and usually quite artistic.

Now we move on to the ping-pong show.  Yes, I was curious.  But I also wasn’t alone.  Take me back to the beginning of teaching right before I had even been to the Thai orientation seminar: I met with a group of awaiting teachers on Khao San road.  I left a bunch of travellers I had spent all day with to meet up with these guys.  Amongst these teachers, were Miss L and Miss D.  I noticed them straight away and felt instantly put at ease.  I was going to like these girls.  We all shared a cab the next day to meet our buses to Pattaya – an interesting destination to have a teachers initiation course.  Warming up in the cab, we each one by one let our ‘I’ve just met you and I’m not sure if its ok to say this‘ guard down.  More like a burst of thank fuck you’re like me too!

One of the conversations we had was about our desire to see a ping-pong show.  We were all curious.  But Pattaya came and passed and we still had not been.  Phuket is where it happened, actually.  On route to Phi Phi, we docked for the night.  Phuket, an odd place I feel. With tuk tuk drivers cleaning automatic guns in your face whilst you try to eat a breakfast that consists of tea with no milk; and hundreds – I hate to say it but I’m going to tell you – of fat, old, odd men with stunning Thai women.  It was there that off the cuff and with a series of cocktails to our name, we decided to go to a show.

We went to a place that’s door was a large heavy curtain.  Inside was your typical lap dancing joint.  Tables round the outside and a platform for performance in the middle.  I’ve been before – I’m not bi curious at all just too curious for my own damn good and wanted to know what really went on during a lap dance, sick of hearing elaborate stories from male friends.  Anyway, the girls, barely dressed, were dancing round poles kind of how I would when I’d drunk too much and couldn’t be arsed with the night anymore.  I actually felt a bit sorry for them.  Next thing you know, we endure a ten minute show that involves a lady pulling various objects out of her vagina. A bird, a turtle, a string of flowers and balls that she plops into a cup.  She even smokes a cigarette from her lady bits.  Cringing in my seat I don’t know whether I should continue looking.  Am I pervert?  Is this wrong?  To top it all off, a Thai lady is whipping us with a foam truncheon and demanding money for her services.

Luckily, I was not alone in this.  We all felt uncomfortable.  We paid left and can safely say have no desire to venture back at all.  But this is exactly the point for us, not everything in this world is a breath-taking wonder.  Not everything makes you want to pinch yourself in absolute euphoria.  Some things are disgusting, uncomfortable and slightly shameful.  But this, for us, is what real curiosity is.  How do you know if you’ve discovered the unknown if you always like it?

Miss J

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Benefitless Britain

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Sat here in between periods scoffing down Oreo after Oreo – I have no idea what it is about them or other such delights but once I start I just can’t stop – with my useless, slow blackberry in hand ready to type and allow the free flow of a blog to commence by blocking out the world; I stop in my tracks, as today I want to discuss something that is discussed by many tabloid papers in the UK.  Except I don’t want to sound like some whinny Brit; no, I actually intend to raise questions and allow some scope for thought.  Deep in thought now, I reminisce  over the countless conversations I have had regarding this issue:

The UK benefit system.

So I begin this blog thousands of miles away from English waters, in the ‘cool’ room (staff room) in a little town in Thailand where I was discussing the UK benefit system with my Thai bosses.  At the time they looked puzzled, as if they were lost in translation.  They confirmed this by asking, “So what do the people do for the money?“, “Sorry, what do you mean?” I reply, confused.  “Well, the people who get the money from government? What can they do?“…. A moment’s pause… “Ummmm…nothing actually“.

Well ok, ok this isn’t exactly true as a person receiving state benefit has to be pro actively looking for work and has to go to the job office once a week.  As a british citizen, the dole is not an odd concept for me.  But when a non-English native questions it as simply and logically as they did, it causes a serious pause for thought.  In fact my bosses hit the nail on the head with an industrial crane.  “Why are these people getting free money???!!!“.  Yes, I have thought this before, I’m sure I’m not alone there.  But it really hit home what a ridiculous concept the dole is!!!  Ok, so let’s not be harsh: ,if you suddenly get sacked, fine claim some kind of help (food tokens, perhaps).

Ok, so it’s going to happen. I will now launch into my suggestion for the dole saga.  Firstly, if you claim monetary or token help you need to pay it back.  So pay a slightly higher tax bracket when you get a job, perhaps ten percent of your earnings.  You have 2 months to get a job and can apply for a months extension providing you have clearly made EVERY effort to get work.  (So no shit CVs or saying ridiculous things during interviews that leave the employer with one thought.. “there’s absolutely no fucking way we’re employing you!!!“)  After 3 months, you’re on your own.  Oh, and I forgot to mention dole money would be renamed Service Britain Allowance credit.

So you have two options: to pay the higher tax bracket or to work back your credit for the period of time you had claimed.  This means that any community jobs like litter picking, park re-generating, etc would be asked of you when required during 9 to 5 working hours.  Community service would not be completed by criminals.  I’d use the millions of benefit money saved to build more prisoners and chuck the bastards in there.  This would also help labourers, sparkies and plumbers out in this current economic climate, creating jobs for them.

This Britain sounds like a harsh place, but I think it makes much better sense than the ‘here, have everything for nothing’ philosophy.  I was always taught that a benefit is kind of like a reward.  I’m pretty sure I never had a conversation like this with my mother:

Tidy your room, Jade.”

An hour later, “Oh, you haven’t tidied your room, here’s a pack of sweets“.

I think it’s about high time Britain had a kick up the arse!!!  Ok, not everyone was born destined to be a brain surgeon.  But it’s damn right laziness that gets me.  What irritates me the most is when I hear things like, ‘foreigners come over here and claim all our benefits‘.  That statement is somewhat deluded isn’t it?  What’s good for the goose is good for the gander as the saying goes.  Nationality is irrelevant.  Of course people are going to take full advantage of such a shoddy system!  Patriotism and supporting your fellow Englishmen is one thing, but paying for them is quite another.  Am I annoyed that these people live for nothing?  No, I want to earn a comfortable wage and lead an eventful infused life.  So in no way am I jealous: just annoyed that people have no get up and go.

I feel just as passionately about child tax credits.  My friend, and a good friend at that is a single parent.  Her ex is a terrible man, that’s a whole other story.  But in short, he felt like Tiger Woods – he had this incurable disease which forced him to have sex with girls off the internet… Yes.. We won’t comment!  Her situation was awful: fresh back from travels, pregnant with no job.  However, a year on and she has a lovely partner and a beautiful blue-eyed girl.  So not a bad ending to a shit story, thankfully.

I have never felt awkward around my friend until one day we were discussing finances.  It turns out she earned just under 2 grand with tax credits, government grants, CSA money and her 16 hours of work per week.  I worked 39 hours per week and cleared 1200.  The amount I paid for one month of water, she paid for a year’s supply.  Electricity isn’t worth a monetary mention and her rent was 250 GBP a month.  Mine was 600 GBP.  So how much are nappies costing these days exactly, for christ’s sake???  I was able to pay all my bills, save for travelling and pay off student debts.  Yes I wore shit clothes from Primark and ate pasta, but it was my choice to travel.

I just don’t understand why parents need that much help.  Make nappies and child necessities cheap as chips, it would save massively in the long run.  Yes child care is expensive but the government already subs this.  I just cannot understand why we are investing so much money so parents can have children whilst the rest of us work?  I think its obscene.  Again, it encourages the lazy amongst us to have children as a means to lots of free money – and we wonder why we’re in such a state financially?

Yes, these are somewhat conservative views but I’m not exactly wealthy!  We are always complaining about our up and coming generation, when really we should start by setting the example in the foundation of our country’s policy… A benefitless  Britain.

Miss J

(and wholeheartedly endorsed by Miss L)

Mixed Signals and Learning to Love Thailand

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My room in the UK looked like a cross between a budhist shrine and a fortune teller’s den according to an articulate friend. Ok, so I did have a lot of bhuddas, hanging things and shisha pipes in my room but a room is to chill right? So atmosphere is important! Am I buddhist? No, but I liked some of the philosophies of Buddhism. Appreciation of all living things, self control and elightment. So I had a pretty ignorant take on it, elightment sounded great, I lack self control and appreciation is never a bad thing.

Fast forward six months and here I am in the midst of Thailand, Buddhism and culture as far away from my little English boudoir as possible. Thailand fascinates me and undoubtly will continue to. It’s beautiful, diverse and different. I still have yet to see a lot of it but from what I have seen I have been ‘enlighted’ – not via a vow to monkhood but more a realisation that I was ignorant to before. Contradictions or mixed signals. Thai people have a beautiful nature, most are calm and polite. It is not in thai culture to be critical or ‘unpolite’. This is also a teaching of Buddhism, to keep a neutral emotion. So if this is the case is politeness really politeness as we know it? Or is it generic? Wow now!!! prob a bit too phylosphical but I’m sure you get what I’m saying. How do you know if someone in thailand actually likes you? Thais also are non-direct, talk will circle before you are aware of it. This is because Thais are non- confrontational people, but then when you finally hear the ‘talk’ you are then aware that everyone has been talking about you so prob best for the person to discuss it with you in the first place. This would surely create less conflict?

Now don’t mis read this, this is not a blog that is meant to be critical, its more a camparison of cultures. Who really is right and who is wrong? It used to really irratate me when people got over aggressive in trivial situations back home. I remember going to fill up at a garage and drove past a patiently waiting queue of cars as I was in a world of my own and went right to the front. Waiting by the pump, I could hear this shouting. I remember turning round to a guy that was literally screaming at me. ‘What the fuck??!!!’ ‘what the fuck??!!’. So I wind down my window and say, ‘Sorry, how can I help you?’ He goes into this rant. I wait for him to stop and simply say ‘Ok, it was a mistake. I’ll drive to the back of the queue’. He looked puzzled, slightly embarassed and left. Sooo, I feel we could have done with a bit of thai culture there for sure!

I guess it ties in with culture ‘shock’, you leave a country where you know most things and come to one where you are like a baby. You have to re learn how to read people, situations, what’s appropriate, what’s not and just what’s not what they do all over again. The most hilarious story I heard of late is where Miss L stood up along with another teacher and ‘whai’-ed from stand up to the floor in honour of their director. Except it wasn’t their director. A ‘whai’ is where you place your hands together in a praying postion and bow ur head. The lower you bow, the greater the respect. I think it’s not whether you love or hate a culture that matters, it’s how you deal with it. Thailand may be confusing to me at the moment but with time it will all make perfect sense.

Miss J

The 5am Pull

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The 5am Pull

It is safe to say that the days where boy meets girl, they date or court as my Nan would say and then fall madly in love before even considering indulging in the act of sex have well and truly seen their day. Whether or not you think this is a shame is kind of irrelevant as I have discovered. A friend of mine kept her virginity for years, refusing to be the ‘average’ modern woman, wanting to hold on to what is hers until she met that special someone. She prided herself on this decision greatly and everyone in school knew about her choice. She felt she was somewhat better respected for this choice. The guys in our schools take on it was, ‘we are not able to have sex so why do we care?‘. Majority always rules I guess.

Nowadays it seems there is no dating period as my Nan would know it. Its more of a case of boy meets girl and has sex with them, sometimes before they even know their name. I guess we have become more open to the act of sex and waste no time with getting it underway. We all have needs right? Especially when travelling. Miss L describes beautifully the rare case when you connect with a one night stand. The 5am pull differs from this. When you are constantly forming ‘three day friendships’ it’s hard to build a connection with someone. So you prey in on what you can, and sometimes quite desperately as I recently discovered.

We were out in the diversity and hustle of Koh San Road. A place that is unimaginable, seeing is believing there. Street acts which include beat boxers and of course the tuk tuk drivers. We must not miss them off, well actually how can we?  They ask if you would like a tuk tuk 5 times a minute. The smell of food there is enough to make anyone fat and the music booms out of every shanty bar. Dancing on the street with a bottle of beer is perfectly acceptable, along with many other things.

So, I had been away for a few weeks, no sex and no male interaction. Sometimes I crave the thick set arms of a man around me, not because I am in love, just because I think its inbuilt in us to crave the attention and affection of the opposite sex. The talent that night was not what it was a few weeks prior. Not a hottie in sight, actually that is a lie. There were a group of lovely bachelors who eyed us up and moved on. So I spot this well built, tanned male. Brazilian name… wait for it.. Pedro… nope I am not joking. That was his name. He spoke English very well. Did I fancy him as I sat down to try and force down more beer from a long beer tower? No was the answer. But I was kidding myself. Trying to draw more things that I found attractive about him. Ohh he has nice eyes. Yeh he did but was I about to make love to his eyes??? C’mon. Nonetheless, he ended back at my dorm. There he took his hat off, I forgot to mention that didn’t I? Vital information, as when he took his hat off he reminded me of my Mum’s friend’s Spanish pervy boyfriend. It was that moment where I thought this well and truly is a 5am pull. I went through with it, gained satisfaction. Well, we were not really that sexually compatible. The sex was awkward and just did not really do it, probably for either of us. Either way I wanted him to go. I started to fumble with my phone and say, ‘my friends are coming back soon,‘ and like a bolt of lightning from the heavens the door went. The girls. I could not believe it, I hadn’t asked them to come back, they just kind of knew. The numbers were over in the hostel dorm and the owner knew this. He practically frog marched the guy out of the hostel and that was it.

My lesson from all of this: use a vibrator as a 5am pull really is not what its cracked up to be.

Miss J