Last Friday, having made plans with D for that evening, I received a rather rude midday text. That’s not rude in a good way; rude in a bad manners way.
It was of course from D, not only cancelling our plans for that evening, but informing me he was on the train out of London as he had decided he ‘wanted a girlfriend’. I’m not even going to get started on the many, many issues with that (he didn’t have to cancel our plans, he should have told me that evening, the brashness, suddenness and finality of it was incredibly disrespectful….etc. Ultimately, he was a coward).
My first thought was that I was leaving in a few months and he knew that; so if he wanted a girlfriend, it wasn’t going to be me.
But that aside, if he wanted it to be me, he wouldn’t let a silly thing like me leaving get in the way. No, quite simply, it was the same situation I have been in many times: I am not girlfriend material.
One by one, guys that I have been in various degrees of relationships with (casually dating, regularly seeing for two or three years, just sleeping with or a mixture of all) have eventually told me that it has to end because they have decided it is time to settle down a bit and be in a relationship. Never once have they suggested that they settle down a bit and be in a relationship with me – despite me being more than good enough for them to have dedicated so many hours of their time to previously.
Firstly: I find it so weird that men suddenly decide it’s ‘time’ for something serious, and consequently go out and hunt for a relationship. I would never decide that it’s time for a boyfriend and go and search for one. If I meet someone I like enough to want to commit to and want to spend a lot of time with, then I will do that and see what it turns into, and it really is that simple.
Secondly: why am I never considered? Why am I never girlfriend worthy? If they have liked me enough to spend a few nights every week with over the past few years, why do they not like me enough to commit to me? Why are they looking for somebody else when they clearly enjoy my company, I like theirs, we find each other attractive, have great sex – and I’m right there? What is it they are going to search for that I am missing?
When this happened with C (a man I was seeing for around 18 months, incredibly attractive but…we live in different worlds and he was never really my type, or probably me his), I asked him about it. Why would you not consider that with me?
For a while, he said he had tried to make it more serious, but he hadn’t really. I would have been happy with an answer explaining that we were just not the same type of person, it would never work long term – because I knew that was the case. (He was fun, but we had totally different morals and life goals and political views etc – we enjoyed one another’s company because we never spoke about anything serious.) But that wasn’t the answer he gave me. He told me the reason was that we met when he was still only interested in casual flings, and even though we had kept in touch and kept seeing one another, and he wasn’t interested in casual flings any more, he guessed he found it difficult to view me any other way.
I kind of understand that. I don’t know.
But if that was true, it makes me wonder – how much of our lives are dictated by the stage the men we meet are at in their lives? If we meet the perfect man but he hasn’t yet decided that it’s ‘girlfriend time’, even if we are the perfect girl, will we never reach that level? Will we never be considered for that role? And if we are not so perfect for him but he is in that mindset, do they then try and make a relationship work with us despite this, because they are looking for a girlfriend and almost any half-decent girl will do? Does it, ultimately, not matter what we do? It’s purely about what he is looking for at that time?
I have a friend who is convinced that this is not true, apparently her now fiance was only looking to play around when she met him, but he made him change his mind, she made him commit, and apparently he’s told her this. She changed him. Well, golly for you! The secret, she tells me, is don’t have sex, play hard to get.
But I’ve tried this many times, and it doesn’t matter how long I make them wait or how hard they have to try before my knickers finally come off, it still ends the same way?
I believe that the man’s mindset upon meeting does of course play a part, but I refuse to believe that its as set in stone as C and D have implied. Miss D has a friend who has been told by men on multiple occasions that she is girlfriend material, and my newly engaged friend certainly believes she is (and she must be, she’s engaged). But I cannot understand what it is that they are doing that I am not? What am I lacking here? What makes somebody girlfriend material?